The Inevitable

This time of year it is inevitable to not feel discouraged, tense, nervous or overwhelmed; at least for me. By this I mean that I am feeling run out, with no motivation to do anything, even Nano (which is amazing, really). I have three assignments due today and I’ve only just started one of them. (One I didn’t realize was due today until this morning.)

Another inevitable aspect of this point in the term is that I get sick. My throat is killing me, I can’t talk for very long or very loud, my head is fuzzy and hurts, and my eyes keep dropping shut as I attempt to do my homework in this reduced state. Being sick only makes my motivation worse, by removing what little I did have to get my assignments done and filling my head with only the desire to sleep the day away. Put on top of all this that I have to work tonight.

I have noticed that there are two types of students at Universities: the ones who really want to be in school and working and there this is something that they love and they are motivated to achieve, and the ones who are there because they have to be for some reason that doesn’t motivate them. I am in the un-motivated crowd. When I got out of high school I was a push over for my dad, basically doing whatever he told me to. And one of the things he told me was that I had to go to University. Not just post-secondary; University. I am not a good person for academics. As soon as something I like to do becomes grade dependant, I tend to lose all interest; I have no idea why, but I do. Maybe it’s because an assignment is something I have to do, not something I want to do. Whatever the reason, that is what happens. And the present situation I am in the result. It happened last year and it’s happening again this year. Despite my best efforts.

What I would really like to do is something involved, something that I can be doing while I’m learning about it. I have come to realize that I am a doer and not a be-lectured-at person. The more hours of lecturing I receive, the more dull my brain feels. This is bad because most if not all of my classes are lectures. And English classes at that, which are especially mind numbing to me.

There are two, kinda three classes that my motivation has kept an appliance in, if not be present all the time, and that is one of my English classes (the reason is the prof), my WS course, and another of my English courses (again, because the prof is kind of entertaining). The reason my motivation is still present in these three is because the professors still believe me to be motivated, if that makes sense. The only one that I am truly motivated in is the first English course I mentioned. And that is because of the topic of my research essay, which I find incredibly interesting and relative to my after school goals.

Sorry for the 500 angst, I think I just needed to vent for a little bit. Have a good day.

~Rachel

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