Bittersweet

I know I haven’t blogged in forever, but I needed to write out my thoughts and I suppose that was the intent of this blog in the first place. Today is my class registration day. My last one ever. There are a few reasons I’m just not as excited this year – partially it’s the fact that though I’m excited for some of the classes I’m planning, I’m kind of disappointed with this years offerings as a whole, but more importantly it’s the fact that this is the last time I’m guaranteed to be doing this. 

Like most people my age I’ve spent the majority of my life in school – 17 out of 23 years. I took one year off between high school and university and even though I was unhappy at the time, some good things have happened because of it (I went to Wrockstock, I started doing NaNo, and it meant I met the friends I have now). Even during that year though I knew I had school to look forward too. I am fortunate that I live in a country where if you want to go to university you’re going to get to go. Sure, you might have debt (I do), but it’s not insurmountable and a university education is basically guaranteed if you want it. However, I’m now at the point where there are no guarantees that I will get to continue my education even though the idea of not being in school is absolutely terrifying.

I make average grades (a B+/A- average) and I’m not that great at logic games. These two things combined make it unlikely I’ll get into law school. I’m certainly still going to try – I’m planning to take the LSAT in October – but realistically I don’t know what I’m going to do. There’s no way I’m getting into grad school as I’m not in honors in either of my faculties (not smart enough in poli sci and it’s not even offered for religious studies) and you need honors to get into grad school most places. 

I guess I’m just in a kind of melancholy mood thinking about all this stuff. I even found myself going through my old high school yearbooks this morning. I don’t wish I was back in high school (then I’d still have to take math – yuck!), but I do miss the certainty of knowing what came next. And looking back at my yearbooks and seeing all the things people wrote made me think of how hopeless I am at staying in touch with people. I had a group of really close friends in high school and we referred to ourselves as G-STRMNICK for all of our names. I was never all that close with everyone, but I was really close with the S, the T, the R, and to a lesser extent the I. The S and the R both went to school in Calgary, but the T and the I are still here in the city. I even still see the I sometimes as we’re both at UVic. However, I’m not really in touch with any of them anymore. And it makes me worry that in 4/5 years I won’t be in touch with my current close friends either – Rachel, Aaron, Kylie, Ashley, Emma, Steph… among others. 

I don’t like uncertainty. I never have. And even though people (and by people I mostly mean my mom) call me a drama queen, I think my worries are pretty standard. I’m trying to keep upbeat about all of this, but it’s kind of depressing to think that this is the last year. I joke that I’m going to be a mess this year, but it’s not really a joke. The thought of what I’m going to do next is paralyzing. I’m not prepared for the real world, but I know I’m not smart enough to do more school. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to try to get into more school because I am, but I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself when I don’t get in.

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